Shortly before Everly was born, I blogged about the guilt I was feeling about sending Maxton to daycare while I was home “preparing” for the arrival of a new baby.
Well – that guilt has been taken to a whole other level.
When I came home from the hospital, I felt so guilty that I couldn’t lift Maxton, and that Steve was spending most of his time tending to Maxton, while I was tending to Everly, and “resting”. On top of that, I felt bad that I was sending him to daycare, while I was home with his little sister.
Then came the guilt of not being able to play with Maxton the moment he wanted me to, because I was nursing or rocking or changing Everly.
THEN came the guilt of having to stick Everly in her bouncer chair while I played with Maxton or made him food. Sometimes she would tolerate a wrap, but she has bad reflux (which I will blog about soon) so that would often end in her vomiting, which really didn’t help anyone. I would think how Maxton always had 100% of my attention all the time as a newborn, while Everly only gets 50% of my attention most of the time. I felt as though Maxton was more attached to me by this point; but he was also colic, so he was a whole other kind of baby. Everly is so mellow and content and just goes with the flow the majority of the time.
Maxton is in daycare Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, so that gives her and I some one-on-one time for the day. Yet, then I feel guilty for feeling happy it’s just me and her for a change, which leads to me to feel guilty for sending Maxton to daycare. Here we go again – it’s an endless cycle of guilt.
I am learning to manage my time, to make sure both of them get as much attention from me as possible. Evenings and weekends are more manageable when Steve is home to help. Now that Maxton is home with me Monday and Friday, I am really learning (and I really do mean learning) how to be a good Mom to both of my kids.
At the end of day, I can only do as much as I can do, and I hope that Maxton and Everly know how much I love them.